In January 2021 I was a few planned steps from killing myself.
By the 19th I was putting my head on a pillow in No Longer Bound, in their one year program. If they couldn’t fix me, they said God could.
I came in as a drunk who no longer had the will to fight, and I was told I was dumb or crazy for choosing a year-long program for my first try. The thing about me is, I don’t do things half-heartedly. When I drank, I drank everything. If I smoked, I smoked it all. When I ruined my relationships, I ruined them completely. And when I burned bridges there wasn’t even ash left for the wind to blow.
Did I need a one year program to help save my life? Absolutely.
I need more. Because I still am not ready. Given the opportunity, I would go back to day one again if needed. I want to be in a community that is responsible, where accountability and transparency are the goals. And I do not have the social skills or the transparency to go on my own way. I do not have the tools in place.
I have pains in my life that hurt me and hurt everyone around me. And I have issues I cannot fix. I know what I once did to help myself. However, it is only more pain dressed up in a nice bottle found at the liquor store. Alcohol nearly killed me and it is still waiting for me so it can finish the job.
I cannot go home. And I cannot be trusted to keep myself healthy.
I cannot trust that I won’t accept the permanent outcome I was willingly pursuing 149 days ago.
Thinking back, I was a walking, at times, stumbling, sometimes crawling, mess of a man. Often times finding myself lost, literally and figuratively, angry, confused, and in a constant need to be as drunk as possible. Drinking was me. Drinking decided when I would talk, who I would talk to, who I would be with, when I would be happy, angry, or sick, when I would work, when I would sleep, what quality sleep I would get, and how much money I would have. The fact that I had a problem for so long without getting help and changing disappoints me to this day.
I could lie and say I came here for myself, but I won’t.
I came because I was afraid of where I would end up if I killed myself. And I came to save a relationship with a woman. I came to save relationships within my family. However, I am staying for myself. It’s ok to be selfish. I was selfish in addiction more than I care to admit. But now, I’m not ashamed of how selfish I am willing to be. I am willing to do what it takes to get healthy.
I was mad at the world because when I was eight, a man chose to abuse me. And I was angry because a drink in a bottle made me feel better until it made me a complete idiot. I was mad because every relationship ended because I would disregard their feelings and well-being. Every time I chose to put a bottle to my lips, I was agreeing to one day say goodbye to everything and every one good in my life. As long as I had my drink I could be completely vile and pass out being in peace. I might regret it in the morning, but I would be drunk a couple of hours later, and it would cease to matter.
But I could not love myself, let alone anyone else. I could not respect myself enough to understand what it took to be a decent human being. The concept of living as a proper man was foreign to me. I was, and remain, broken in many ways when it comes to showing and receiving healthy love. It is something I have struggled with since that day when I was eight.
I was angry at God for taking my daughter.
And I still am. I am angry when I think about laying on her mother’s stomach, feeling her kick and talking to her. And I become angrier when I think of no longer feeling the kicks or any movement at all. I was mad when, without warning, my daughter was taken. And I was mad at myself for everything I have ever done in my life, as well as the things I was too cowardly to attempt. I was angry God woke me up in the mornings when the amount of alcohol I consumed would have killed other people.
I am staying because I am tired of hating myself and the world around me. And I am learning that I actually like people, and I like what they like about me. I like that I am a man worth knowing. And I know that I have a lot of work to do, and I know that this is the place to do that work.
I will be here, for the rest of this one year program, and beyond.
Because I am not leaving. I am staying. Because I am stubborn, and God made me that way. And I do not want to return to the man I was. I do not want to stay stagnant where I am, and I will do what it takes to continue healing. For the time being, I will stay where I am. Until the day I can say that I love myself and the people God puts in my world, I will put my head on a pillow here every night, and I will sit in this dining hall every morning.
I was a jobless, disappointing pothead, alcoholic willing to hurt my family.Willing to hurt myself physically and emotionally to escape the feelings that crept up through the cracks. I was a man with pain and fears I have carried since I was a child. Because I was unhealthy and thought love included hurting the people you love because it is their job to love, and support you through all the b.s. you pull. And I thought God was a mean cloud man that did things to hurt the people in situations they could never handle, and one day He judged them for the mistakes they made.
I’m here because none of that is correct.
And I’m here because I was told this place fixes people.
I am here because I want to be fixed.
And I am staying because I’m not done yet.
-Austin