One of my favorite hobbies is photography. It combines two of my favorite things in life: being alone and the beauty of the world around me. I’m able to steal a moment and forever hold it if I choose to. For that very reason, I’ve always loved taking pictures of flowers.
I love any flowers really, it doesn’t matter the type; even weeds are pretty in their own ways. However, I am fond of recently bloomed flowers. There is something special about capturing the most beautiful step in its life cycle.
It’s so incredible when the bloom springs from its bud and opens itself fully to the world around it for the first time. The flower selflessly shines into the world around it with no need for a thank you. Just being itself. The world can look upon it as God intended.
This selfless budding reminds me of what is taking place here at No Longer Bound, a faith-based rehab.
Budding Buds
With only a few short months passing by come the days where the buds begin to show – steadily growing and beginning to really open up. To begin with, it gains comfort within itself, receiving direct sunlight upon what it really is and what it is meant to be. It still has some time before it will fully open up.
Similarly, guys get here as barely growing stems, desperately needing help. The staff puts in work, the culinary crew gives some nutrients, and God provides healing and time. All of these things working together lead to buds starting to show within our community.
At this point, there is really no amount of coaxing that can further this process along quicker. Just like the flowers, it is visible when a man gets to this stage. He has hesitation to open up to the community. At the same time, he has glorious moments of maturity and growth. Meaning, he suddenly has the want and need to open up, however, there is still comfort in remaining closed off to the world around him.
It is safe to remain in the bud. We feel so much comfort hiding from the world in layers of protection wrapped around the pretty parts.
Help Without the Hurt
Eventually, however, our nature comes through, and we spread out our petals and allow the real us to be seen for the first time ever, possibly. It is truly beautiful when we bloom.
Over time, we have a willingness to not just help others, but be helped without resentment or hurt feelings. We are open to making changes from the environment rather than blocking them off and hiding from our much-needed changes.
Ultimately, we watch grown men really accept and become the helping hand, shoulder to cry on, a crutch to lean upon, and a guide to follow. It is an impressive and touching thing to witness.
Selfless Blooming
This leads to another favorite thing of mine: the effect of one bloom on the buds around it.
We watch as one bud blooming affects the buds around it. In other words, it’s almost as if it’s calling to the others to follow it on the wonderful journey it found itself on. It’s like it selfishly or apprehensively doesn’t want to be the lone bloom, and needs its surrounding buds to follow into blooming themselves.
Similarly, it’s a process we all go through here. As men, we watch our brothers start off as closed-off individuals, only interested in protecting themselves from the outside world and content with being alone. Then, they transform in to opening up day by day, little by little, to what everyone around them has to offer.
As a staff member, it must be amazing to watch each wave of men blooming together and opening up in their own time. Eventually, this campus becomes a full community of open men. They allow the beauty God has bestowed upon each of them to shine, and they can serve as a light to guide the people behind them towards their own blooming.
Reflecting on the Growth
Finally, I’m blessed to be able to capture this event in photos. The growth I’ve seen through my camera lens is truly amazing. It is my blessing and privilege to witness the blooming of our community. It is something I will always remember as I have captured these memories forever. These photos are reminders of the growth we have all physically, mentally, and spiritually gone through. Put simply, they’re reminders of our blooming into what God knew we were always meant to be.
“I will be like the dew to Israel; he will blossom like a lily. Like a cedar of Lebanon he will send down his roots; his young shoots will grow. His splendor will be like an olive tree, his fragrance like a cedar of Lebanon. People will dwell again in his shade; they will flourish like the grain, they will blossom like the vine Israel’s fame will be like the wine of Lebanon.” (Hosea 14:5-7)
Once of the strongest tools is both a feeling and an action: intimacy.
A word that was once one of the least “manly” words (in my opinion) is used to strictly describe a relationship. It’s used by guys that want to sound more appealing to the opposite sex, as if they’re more in tune with their feelings. They use the word “intimate” to show off a vernacular that awakens something in a female’s brain because it sounds better than “love” or deeply caring.
As a resident in a faith-based rehab in Georgia, I recently realized my opinion about this word was born from an immature place, from a heart that didn’t fully comprehend or value the true depth of its definition.
How could I have? As someone still realizing day by day what it means to love one’s self, it comes as no surprise the word “intimacy” was (and still can be) uncomfortable at times.
However, it is exactly what we, as humans, desperately seek. Oftentimes, we confuse intimate relationships with unhealthy, codependent control over what we think love for another person should be.
WHAT DOES INTIMACY MEAN?
To be intimate with God, yourself, and others is to strive to love like God loves – that is, unconditionally. Don’t set unseen expectations or unjust “goal posts” for someone just so they can unknowingly miss. What ends up happening is you hold it against them when they continuously fail. They fail through no fault of their own other than being an imperfect human being.
Ultimately, you are positioning your “love” as a token or prize that’s dangled in front of them. Your “love” is forever out of reach, like the old cartoon cliche of a carrot in front of a bunny or a steak in front of a dog. This is the opposite of unconditional love.
Love your neighbor, just for love’s sake. Don’t set out to control it. If someone shows they aren’t the one for you in a relationship, love them still, just a bit further away.
Love people for who they are and what they can become. Be honest with who you are and what motivations drive you. Be content with who you are as a person and understand that your love for yourself will eventually turn in to love for others. Eventually, it will be an intimate kind of love. This love won’t be trying too hard to mold something into what it was never supposed to be.
GOD’S GIFT TO US: RELATIONSHIPS
God gave us a great thing when he gave us each other. We were not meant to be alone. But we were never supposed to leave God behind when we found someone to be with either.
Without God, intimacy wouldn’t be an adjective used to describe relationships. Intimacy is an amazing gift, even if it is a frightening one.
This is also not a word only used to describe romantic relationships. God wants us to have intimate, profoundly deep, meaningful, life-changing friendships as well. For that, we should all be thankfully vigilant for our next opportunity to find and love someone with no strings attached.
Love by pure intention, just as God intended when he told us to “love thy neighbor”.
THE BEAUTY OF INTIMATE TRANSFORMATIONS
At No Longer Bound, we are practicing building intimate friendships within the community. Every day, we watch men be unapologetically vulnerable within their sadness or happiness. They share the horrible pit falls and glorious things happening within their lives. But finally, we see the smiles and hugs they receive in return.
This transformation is one of the most amazing things we see here. Men go from never wanting an intimate relationship with another man, to actually setting out to create more.
We are growing, changing, and becoming intimate within a brotherhood in a way that I have never seen outside of No Longer Bound. For that blessing, I am thankful.
How their thoughts and actions are pathways to getting their needs met
Everyone’s thoughts, actions, and words fall into one of two opposing categories:
An attempt to gain value for ourselves or increase our chance of acceptance
To protect or insulate ourselves from feeling that we are not accepted.
Innate Needs: Love, Acceptance, Worth, and Security
Growing up, men in addiction tried to obtain approval, attention, and affection, as do most young children. However, later in life, they denied that they had these needs at all. Over time, they practiced ways to protect themselves from feeling the pain of rejection.
At No Longer Bound, men are taught that they do have needs, and they are important. Their innate needs are love, acceptance, worth, and security – what we call LAWS. They take an inventory of their lives, understanding the value placed on the acceptance and affection from others.
False Beliefs Shape Our Identity
Most men in our program deny that they care about or even need the approval of others. However, to break free from this way of thinking, they learn to uncover the faulty core beliefs about themselves. They learn that their unhealthy coping mechanisms stem from their false beliefs.
This is where the assignment on “The Roots and Fruits of Rejection” is so impactful. Men list seven memories of their formative years (earliest memories up to age 12-13). Then, they describe the attached emotions and formed beliefs.
Common beliefs would be:
I am alone.
I am unwanted.
I am not enough.
No one cares about me.
I am valued if I do well.
When a father never shows up to any of his son’s ball games, he could come to some traumatizing beliefs about himself, like, “why am I not important?” A boy could come to the conclusion that he will never be good enough no matter how hard he works since his father always re-mows the lawn.
Uncovering Your True Identity
Some of these lies that we tell ourselves can be so far from the truth of what happened. And yet, it is the reality that our subconscious uses to build all of our coping mechanisms. The enemy works hard to whisper in children’s ears that what they are experiencing is an indicator of who they are.
In many traumatic or life-changing memories, the victim can logically see that it wasn’t their fault, but their feelings tell them a different story. They find it so hard to find freedom from the lie.
When it comes to addiction recovery or healing from trauma, this is the emotional mound that must be removed. Through this assignment, the men lean on each other and God to expose these lies, call them for what they are, and boldly step into their identity.
However, once the lie is exposed, the work is not done. They must develop self-awareness in order to see the dysfunctional coping mechanism in the moment and remember the truth about who they are.
This concept takes months to practice until it can be done successfully in the moment. It’s normal for negative emotions to stir inside you when someone makes you feel disrespected, ignored, or under-appreciated. But the healthy way to respond is to remember that those emotions are due to the lie we believe about ourselves – not because of the person. Freedom is found in that realization.
An individual’s motivation for power, especially for those in faith-based addiction treatment, is to acquire control over his environment. A certain amount of controlling behavior is a healthy, natural survival instinct, but after a point it becomes harmful.
When that happens, normal survival is no longer the motivator. Underlying the quest for power is fear, and the desire for power is to eliminate fear. The more fearful a person is, the more control over their environment they believe they need to feel safe.
In her book, Freedom from Fear, Nobel Peace Prize winner and Burmese opposition leader, Aung San Suu Kyi said, “It is not power that corrupts but fear. Fear of losing power corrupts those who wield it and fear of the scourge of power corrupts those who are subject to it.”
Joseph Stalin, Adolf Hitler, and Saddam Hussein were all raised by brutal parents who frequently beat them. Growing up, they lived in daily fear. All of them went on to become dictators, who maintained complete control over their people through the use of fear-inducing terror.
Is fear a good motivator?
It can be very effective at certain times in parenting. Rooms get cleaned, not out of a personal sense of ownership, but out of fear of consequences.
When it comes to finances – on one hand, you save money for fun and a preferred future, but on the other hand, you save money for fear of not being able to provide for my family.
Fear is important.
It’s our internal alarm system, triggering fight or flight. Hairs stand up on our arms to alert us of danger, adrenaline pumps into our body to charge our system for a hard fight or a fast run from danger. Critical to our survival. Fear removes us from danger and helps us make our way to comfort.
So what about the fear of God?
Does God need to use fear to control us? Scripture uses the word fear in context with God over 300 times.
Are we to be literally afraid, or is it used more in context to respect and reverence?
The subject becomes even more mysterious when we read something like 1 John 4:18 that says that “perfect love expels all fear.” So how do we marry this dichotomy? How can we fear God while he expels all fear?
The answer lies in simplicity: in child-like faith.
Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” – Matthew 19:14
God is your father; He said so. So it has to be true.
If you’re a parent, do you want your children to fear me?
If they fear you, they won’t come to you.
If they fear you, they will resent you.
If they fear you, they will keep secrets from you.
If you feed fear, it gets hungrier.
For those that want to dig deeper, here are a few resources:
Humans are an amazing species, aren’t we? We evolve and adapt like nothing else in recorded history.
Now that 2020 is behind us, our new challenge is to sustain the change. The “Great Pause” reminded us of our humanity.
We appreciated slow walks again. Reconnected with nature. Soaked our families in. Detached from our cell phones. We were present.
“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”
Albert Einstein
As a faith-based rehab, we see miracles happen every single day. When we look for purpose in all that happens to us, we find miracles, and there were some precious miracles during this season. After you adapt and define a season’s purpose, you can get attached to it and make futile attempts to hold onto it. A child pushing back the tide to protect his sand castle. The world will now open back up like a flower, marking the changing of a season.
You will find the most peace when you open your hand of control and look for the beauty in the dawn of the new day, while honoring the memory of yesterday.
Here are a few tips to sustaining change after a difficult season:
Prioritize The New
If you reconnected with something you valued during this season, mark it off. Protect it. Create time and space for it in your calendar as the rising tide begins to fill your days again. Those empty days will start to refill, and like water fills all empty spaces, so will demands for your time, whether it’s hobbies, work, or social functions. Be intentional to mark off time for what you value and defend it vigorously.
Bring It With You
Your next season of life will have its own beauty and miracles. A good meal is always topped off with the perfect amount of spices. Bring your newfound or reborn miracles as a supplement, a spice, to the next season of life. Don’t leave what you found in the past by trying to hang onto it. Bless your future by taking what you found and applying the lessons to it. Your world can’t wait to meet the new you.
Trust Him
The tide is caused by the moon’s pull. But we know the keeper of the moon and stars. He brought you to and through this season. And He will usher in the next. Give him your pains of this time and deposit your lessons in Him, too. He is our security and our surety. Tell Him what you want to hold onto today and trust Him with it.
